Happy Father's Day

As James's first Father's Day as a stay-at-home dad, I must admit that this Father's Day will stick in my memory as a pivotal point in our family's history. Thinking back to several months ago when we made the decision to have James stay at home with kids, I was a bit uneasy that maybe we had made a decision that he would later feel he had been pressured into making. We agreed we would keep an open mind and we would re-evaluate our decision if we needed to in six months. We knew we were making a big decision for our family, and we hoped it was the right one.

Well into James's first month at home with the kids, I cannot imagine doing a better job myself or our kids being any luckier than to get to stay home with their dad. Sadly, I have been working longer hours in June due to our system implementation, so my evenings with the kids have been short. On the other hand, I get a great sense of relief in knowing that they are with their dad. James is also kind enough to document their days at home with plenty of pictures and blog posts.

Any honest parent knows that both fathers and mothers play such an important role in child development. This year, James has done more than his half of the work, and I know our children are better for it. He is a patient teacher and disciplinarian. He knows how to engage and distract them. He is confident, loving, and nurturing. I could go on, but I already know that I am blessed. More importantly, my children could not have a better father.

Happy Father's Day, James, and to any of you fathers out there making a difference in your kids' lives.

Throwing Truman

I finally decided to do something with some of the videos from my camera that I had been keeping on disc for several months. This one dates back to January of this year, and we happened upon Truman's funny leg reflex when James was throwing him up in the air one day.

Endangered Insanity

No, insanity is not endangered, but sometimes I think common sense is. I rarely post anything political on my blog, but I heard about this issue and I could not help myself.

I graduated college with a degree in Environmental Geography, so I heard a lot about endangered species and environmental issues back in the day. Interestingly so, I came out of school as less of an environmentalist than I went in. I think at some point, I just took a step back and really began to think critically about these issues.



I am not against protecting endangered species when it's within reason, but the reality is that something like 99% of all species that have ever existed have gone extinct. I think bigger picture here is way more important than giving a minnow a few more years on the 'saved for now, but going extinct later' list.

Racing to September

It's official: James will no longer have a paid job after tomorrow.

I would say he will not be working after tomorrow, but I know that is not true. In fact, I am afraid he will be working even more. He just won't get a paycheck for it. Many months ago, when we found out we were expecting #4, we knew we had to do something. We had a lot to consider when we were working through the details of 'what are we going to do?', but ultimately, the decision was simple - James needed to stay home with the kids.

We made this decision back in February, and we really have not looked back. I give him a lot of credit because I know a lot of men would not be willing or capable of successfully staying home with their kids full-time. Despite my confidence in his abilities, I am a little nervous about how we will all handle the change. We are keeping an open mind, so we will see how it goes for us.

As James's workload (professional workload, that is) is ramping down, mine is ramping WAY up. For the past 2 years or so, we have been evaluating financial and project management software with a plan to transition as soon as we found a solution that could meet our demands. Well, we found one, and guess who gets to implement it? That's right. I have known about this for a long time, but I guess I never thought I would be expecting a baby when it came time to do the implementation.

If you've worked in a business environment and been through a major software change, then you might know how involved the process can be. Most implementations of the type we are doing average 6 to 9 months from purchase to 'go live', and we must do it in four (including the one month that's already passed). The good news is that I'm pretty good with data manipulation, conversion, and managing change. The bad news is that I have no flexibility on our target implementation date. So far, I am on target, but I will be counting on James BIG TIME to help me meet deadlines.

I know he'll pull through for me. He always has. He is the reliable one in this marriage, so I am glad our kids will have him full-time. Wish us luck though, 'cause I think we're going to need it.

Good Enough Mother

Some days, no matter how hard you try to get the day back on track, you just end up feeling like a complete failure for one or many reasons. For me, today, was one of those days.

Of course, I am pregnant and emotional, but I am sitting in bed writing this post with the feeling that today I was just not a good enough mother. In fact, the overwhelming feeling I had at the end of the day was wondering if I was ever a really good mother. Lately, I seem to be thinking about this an awful lot, and I don't always like my own answer.

Although today seemed uneventful, by the end of the day, the little struggles of the day and my response to them left me with lingering feelings of inadequacy - 'Was I too harsh? Was I unreasonable? Where did I go wrong? Have I done everything I can? Why won't he cooperate? Why does it make me so mad (then sad)?'. By the end of the day, all I wanted to do was cry.

I thought posting would have a cathartic effect, and it has, but I am still struggling with how I move past this feeling. The answer for me here is to see what I can do that makes me feel like a better parent. It seems I've made myself this promise time and time again, but I always struggle when it's time to make good on it. I see these 3 little faces, and I want to be the best parent I can be, so why do I keep falling on my face?



Tomorrow, I will try again, but I swear if they turn out to be confident, well-adjusted adults, I will not take even half the credit. I love being a mom, but these are the hardest days I have lived.

No Time

If you can believe it, I just finished up some work. Although working late at night has been rare while I've been pregnant, I used to be up at least one night a week until the wee hours working on some spreadsheet or another. The strange part is that I don't hate it. I will, however, hate getting up in a few hours.

I have been wanting to post an update of the kids since that's why I started this blog after all, but between, work, pregnancy, and the kids I don't know how anyone can find the time.

Without selling them too short, let me try to get this done in 5 minutes.

Jameson manages to make James and I laugh about something he does or says every day. He is full of words, and he says a lot of unexpected things. When I went to pick him up from school today, I looked in and saw him talking to one of the little girls, very involved in whatever he was telling her. Later tonight when I was giving him his bedtime snack, I asked him what he was talking to her about. He responds without diverting his attention from his cartoon, "I told her how I went swimming and drowned.". That was it - no more explanation. I laughed at his unexpected response, but I'm not sure why I was surprised. He is a lot of fun, and I love to see how he is a bit of his dad and a bit of me - makes for a funny combination.

Miss Amelia is Jameson-in-training. Interestingly, she is also full of words, although many of them incomprehensible at this point. Every morning she wakes up with usual call, "Dada, Dada, Dadaaaaa", and I think it helps James get out of bed when I tell him it's time to get up and get the babies. She is saying a handful of words, but she is great with communicating with hand signals and looks. She has a really expressive face, and she demands a lot of attention. I know I am going to have my hands full with this one, but the good thing is that she is going to tell me what she needs early. She is very affectionate, especially with her brothers and loves to give hugs and kisses.

Truman is developing a stronger personality lately, throwing fits when you try to feed him as he insists on feeding himself. He doesn't try to talk as much as Amelia, but he does have his own way of communicating. One day, we will have to record some of his "talk" since it's nothing like how Jameson and Amelia (so far) started to communicate. He is very sweet, loving, and ridiculously strong. He has been climbing everything in sight for months. I can barely carry him since he knows exactly how to twist his body when he wants to be put down. Considering that his head probably weights a good 5 lbs., he's not exactly easy to control. He is very mechanically-inclined that my dad might just get that engineer he's hope to get. He loves books, and he will study them for a long time, but he loves food and naptime even more. His temperament is like his dad's, which is both a good and bad thing. He is so laid-back most of the time, but he will, rarely, have an unexpected outburst for some unknown reason. Then I'm stuck trying to figure out if he's sick, or if he's just angry or frustrated. It's hard to tell since he doesn't do it very often.

I have a handful of pictures/videos from this weekend that I will sift through and post over the weekend, but we are having lots of fun with our kiddos. They are exhausting, and many days I think I may lose my mind. Those moments always pass though, and somehow it's so much easier to remember the good moments. It's easily been more than 10 minutes now, so I better get some sleep if I'm actually going to show up at work tomorrow.

Warning: Read at Your Own Risk

I have been putting off blogging for some time because I have been in kind of a dark place for the last couple of months.  I hate to bog other people down with this topic, but I am finally getting it out, so consider yourself warned.  I'm not talking about the usual stuff - stress of motherhood, pregnancy ups-n-downs, housework - but every now and then the thought of death seems to linger in the back of my mind.  I'm not just talking specifically about my death (although that has been part of it), but death, in general, has been clouding my mind for several weeks.

Death touches everyone's life in different ways, and we all handle it differently.  Some people choose not to think about it.  Some have an unhealthy obsession with it.  I, like most people probably, am somewhere in the middle, probably leaning toward the latter.  I know that my perspective on death has been affected by my experience with it, but going back as far as I can remember I have always gone through these periods on and off of thinking about death.

I have always been fascinated by true crime stories (books & tv shows), so I'm sure that reading this stuff has not helped fill my mind with happier thoughts.  Well, recently, I picked up a copy of the book For Laci by Sharon Rocha (her mother).  Some of you probably remember the story of Laci Peterson, the pregnant woman that was killed by her husband, Scott Peterson, when she was 8 months pregnant.  Well, back when she was still considered a missing person, I, like many others, followed the case with interest.  When I came across the book in the bookstore, I felt compelled to read it, not because it was just true crime but because it was written by her mother.  I wanted to know what it must be like to be the parent of a missing person.  Of course, I knew it must be horrible, but, for my own reasons, I wanted to hear it from her.  I finished the book in 4 days, which is record pace for me these days.

For some time now, I have taken a special interest in missing person cases.  My family, like everyone else's, has had its fair share of tragedy, specifically my mom's side.  More than 15 years ago, my aunt (mom's sister) "went missing" on Christmas Eve.  The case remains unsolved.  All of the evidence gathered at the time the case was most active pointed to her husband being the most likely suspect, as noted by the lead detective at the time.  No body was ever found, so the police held off on charging him because they wanted to build a stronger case, and the body, they felt, was critical to a conviction.  I should note here that my entire extended family lives in Mexico, which if you know anything about law enforcement there, has been traditionally corrupt and easily infiltrated by criminals.  Not surprisingly, her husband worked for the ruling political party at the time, the PRI, so I am certain he had important friends willing to help him get away with murder.  In the years following her disappearance, her entire case file "went missing".  Other than evidence verbally relayed to my grandparents, we know very little about her disappearance.  My grandmother died three years ago, and all of my family members seem to think she died thinking (likely hoping) that her daughter was still alive.

From the day my aunt disappeared, my grandmother was forever changed.  I never quite understood how she could believe my aunt was still alive after all this time.  For Laci did shed some light on all of this.

Sadly, my aunt would not be the last child my grandmother (or her family) would lose in her lifetime.  Years later, my uncle, was murdered while some low-life criminals tried to steal his car with his son inside.  Luckily, my cousin escaped unharmed, but my uncle was murdered while attempting to protect his son.  If my aunt's death had not already broken her spirit, then this certainly did.  In the years that followed while my grandmother was still alive, the memory of my aunt and uncle clouded the happiness we shared at family gatherings.

We were all sad, but we knew that life had to go on.  We knew it was okay to be sad, but everyone else went on with life in their own way, including my grandfather.  I think my grandmother's life remained forever in those moments.  I really believe she never lived a moment since their loss without this horrible sense of emptiness.  I pray she has more peace now than in the last years of her life.

Of course, while reading For Laci, I thought a lot about my family, and it's tough to escape the thought of death when I think about my family.

Then, of course, there's the pregnancy thing.  Every time I get pregnant, I can't help but to remind myself that women still die during pregnancy or while giving birth.  Yes, people die doing all sorts of things.  I guess I just think about it because it's something I have chosen, and my children are still young.  Once you have kids, your perspective on dying focuses on what would happen to your children if something happened to you.  To mitigate my risk, I try to keep an eye out for anything unusual during pregnancy, and I make sure I trust my doctor with my life.  Luckily, I do.

Nonetheless, I know the unexpected can always happen, and I was reminded of this a couple of weeks ago.  I found out that someone I knew in grade school and considered a friend at the time had died.  Interestingly, she was my age, and nine months pregnant.  The baby lived, and she has 2 young, surviving children.  My heart goes out to her family, but this one really hit home.  Here I am, 4 months pregnant, going through one of my "death periods", and a pregnant woman I knew as a child dies.  Suffice it to say, if I was on my way out of this funk, this news just delayed my return.

I know my pregnancy hormones are a large contributor to my mood lately, so hopefully, I am turning a corner.  I have so many things to be thankful for, and I try to remember that every day.  We can't, after all, count on anything but the present.  Yet, I know my children need me and their dad, and I need them probably more.  I just pray that we're both around long enough for them to grow up, maybe see some grandchildren, and I pray even harder that I never have to live through the tragedies of my grandmother's life.