Not Ready For This

Last night while getting Jameson to bed, he told me, "Mom, I don't wanna die.".  My heart broke a little, and I didn't really know what to say.  He continued with the following questions:

Am I going to die?

Why do I have to die?

Will the man that made me make me better so I can come back?

Are you going to die?

Is Dad going to die?

Who is going to be my Mom and Dad if you die?

Bombarded with these questions, I didn't really know how to answer.  I didn't want to lie to him, but I didn't want to scare him either.  I did my best to reassure him, but he just wanted to hear me say that none of us would die.  I couldn't do that, so he started crying in the middle of his questioning because I think he sensed my inability to fully reassure him.

"Yes, we're going to die, but hopefully not for a long time.  Honey, I can't promise you that I'm not going to die, but hopefully Momma will be around until you're a big man and you have your own kids.  I'm sorry I don't know all the answers to your questions, but no one really knows."  I felt myself sinking.  He persisted, and I couldn't help but cry as I empathized with his sadness and fear.  I called James in the room, and I'm not sure he did any better.

Wow, I was not prepared for these questions or these emotions yet.  He's only 3, and I guess I didn't think the fear of death would enter his mind until he was a lot older.  I was wrong.  Tonight, he told me he didn't want to die because he was scared.  This time he was much calmer, and he let it go after I tried my best to tell him it was okay to be scared.  I told him I thought we're all a little scared, but we should live our lives to enjoy our life, not to waste it worrying about something we can't change.  He seemed somewhat satisfied with that response although I'm sure it's not the last I will hear of it.

With all this talk of death, I couldn't help but think about my own worries.  What if one or both of us does die?  Who will be their "mom & dad" if we both do?  What if my children don't get to know their parents?  Or worse, I can't even bear to think about other scenarios.  I think it would be great if I would just take my own advice.  I've said my prayers, so I guess I have no choice but to leave this in God's hands.  Now, I'm just praying for all the right answers.