Friday, May 29, 2009

Racing to September

It's official: James will no longer have a paid job after tomorrow.

I would say he will not be working after tomorrow, but I know that is not true. In fact, I am afraid he will be working even more. He just won't get a paycheck for it. Many months ago, when we found out we were expecting #4, we knew we had to do something. We had a lot to consider when we were working through the details of 'what are we going to do?', but ultimately, the decision was simple - James needed to stay home with the kids.

We made this decision back in February, and we really have not looked back. I give him a lot of credit because I know a lot of men would not be willing or capable of successfully staying home with their kids full-time. Despite my confidence in his abilities, I am a little nervous about how we will all handle the change. We are keeping an open mind, so we will see how it goes for us.

As James's workload (professional workload, that is) is ramping down, mine is ramping WAY up. For the past 2 years or so, we have been evaluating financial and project management software with a plan to transition as soon as we found a solution that could meet our demands. Well, we found one, and guess who gets to implement it? That's right. I have known about this for a long time, but I guess I never thought I would be expecting a baby when it came time to do the implementation.

If you've worked in a business environment and been through a major software change, then you might know how involved the process can be. Most implementations of the type we are doing average 6 to 9 months from purchase to 'go live', and we must do it in four (including the one month that's already passed). The good news is that I'm pretty good with data manipulation, conversion, and managing change. The bad news is that I have no flexibility on our target implementation date. So far, I am on target, but I will be counting on James BIG TIME to help me meet deadlines.

I know he'll pull through for me. He always has. He is the reliable one in this marriage, so I am glad our kids will have him full-time. Wish us luck though, 'cause I think we're going to need it.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Good Enough Mother

Some days, no matter how hard you try to get the day back on track, you just end up feeling like a complete failure for one or many reasons. For me, today, was one of those days.

Of course, I am pregnant and emotional, but I am sitting in bed writing this post with the feeling that today I was just not a good enough mother. In fact, the overwhelming feeling I had at the end of the day was wondering if I was ever a really good mother. Lately, I seem to be thinking about this an awful lot, and I don't always like my own answer.

Although today seemed uneventful, by the end of the day, the little struggles of the day and my response to them left me with lingering feelings of inadequacy - 'Was I too harsh? Was I unreasonable? Where did I go wrong? Have I done everything I can? Why won't he cooperate? Why does it make me so mad (then sad)?'. By the end of the day, all I wanted to do was cry.

I thought posting would have a cathartic effect, and it has, but I am still struggling with how I move past this feeling. The answer for me here is to see what I can do that makes me feel like a better parent. It seems I've made myself this promise time and time again, but I always struggle when it's time to make good on it. I see these 3 little faces, and I want to be the best parent I can be, so why do I keep falling on my face?

Tomorrow, I will try again, but I swear if they turn out to be confident, well-adjusted adults, I will not take even half the credit. I love being a mom, but these are the hardest days I have lived.